Shitsplosion

I get home yesterday and I see my dog, smashed against the back of his kennel, and I smell the shitsplosion before I actually see it. I quickly let him out of his newly developed sewer house, and of course he kicks some of it out onto the carpet on the way out. I don't get mad though, he's obviously sick.

At first I irrationally thought, maybe he was mad at me about being put in the kennel and decided to make a mess. Cuz I'm sure that's any animal or person's first thought process. I'm mad at you, so I'm going to shit all over my bed and be stuck in it all day. Just to show you how royally pissed off I am, I will also piss all over in here, and have my face stuck right next to it all day, THAT'LL TEACH YOU!

No, Teeko would not do that...Torch on the other hand...

So after some arduous cleaning, and disposing of a thoroughly soaked and shitacular blanket, I decide I need a big old glass of cold water from my filter. As I'm filling it up from my fridge, I notice little green dots all over in the bottom of it. Upon further inspection, these dots also have small tufts of fuzz gently flowing with the movement of the water. APPARENTLY you're not supposed to let the bottom of the filter be out of water, which I'd done during the move. I'd also drank out of it a couple nights before. Moldlicious!

Dinos and Vicious Vehicles

I was getting out of my friend's SUV, grabbed the handle, and felt a slice. I looked at my finger and a deep wedge was cut into it. "Wow that was sharp, didn't even feel it," I said.

"I can't believe that just happened! It's been like that for years, ppl have played with it even and it's never cut anyone!"

"It's bleeding a lot too," I sighed. Of course, leave it to me!

"You should put it in your blog," she smiled.

I'm not going to though!

So as we're sitting there talking, she brings up a mutual ex friend. "She really is crazy," she said. I said I knew, then she said, "Did I tell you about the dinosaurs." No she most certainly had not. I would remember dinosaurs. "So our old friend, she doesn't believe in dinosaurs."

I starred, not knowing what to say. "What?" I finally asked.

"She doesn't believe dinosaurs ever existed."

I couldn't even speak for about a minute! I mean are you kidding me? Apparently she believes that all the evidence of FULL SKELETONS and bones and different species and everything, are rocks. Rocks just formed into all these bones. Cuz you know, so many rocks are the same exact shape and size, and smooth and round, but then pointed like teeth, with giant eye balls, er I mean holes, and things shaped like jaws and knees and yeah that happens all the time. Just this morning I walked out my back door and there was a rock that had turned into a T Rex skull layin' in my yard. I mean really, the nerve!

Fuckin' rocks turning into dinosaurs. ALL THE TIME! Drives me nuts.

Pet

So I need a pet probably. What made me decide this? Well, it wasn't buying a new stuffed animal puppy, then sitting in my bed for a half hour on my iPod touch looking up dog names and asking which ones he preferred.

Nor was it the fact that I talk to my fish on a daily basis.

It was that here I am, reorganizing things in my bathroom, making my bed all pretty with the new comforter, and I have no one to be like, "Look what I did!" to. Whereas if I had a dog, or a cat, I could like pick up said cat and point at the bed and be like, "Look at it!" And the cat would be all, "Mew! *spazzes*," and I'd be like, "LOOK AT THE PRETTYNESS!" "*HISS!*"

Or if it was a puppy! I could be like, "Look at my new bathroom mini storage bin containers for my hair accessories," and he'd be like, "*sniff sniff*," which I would take to mean, "Wow I really like what you've done with the place! The old drawer container was just in the way and you'd have to open BOTH doors to the cabinet to get to it, and THEN open the container drawer, but now you just open ONE door and reach in and grab what you need! How innovative!" Then I would tell him, "Why thank you little guy!" and he would be all, "*SQUIRM/put me down*" which I would totally understand to mean, "OMG all this excitement about the organization, I can barely stand it! Set me down so that I may dance or pee!"

So that is why I need a pet :D.

GO AWAY Time Wasters!

I dated this Australian Guy for awhile. We shall call him Aussie. He was charming...opened my door that one time...as I almost ran into him trying to plow through first to make a point...was so more than willing to buy me dinner before my movie...just not popcorn instead...just a great guy ya know? Sandy BLONDE hair, and a beard that he learned on date one I preferred he didn't have, and that he 'usually doesn't have' but was somehow still there, plastered to his stupid face for the next month. You know that episode of Family Guy where Peter's mustache gets burned off and so instead he tapes Brian to his face?

Not only does he go and see the movie he made me promise to 'save for him' and then tells me after I need to go see it, but then he has the nerve, after I 'broke up with him,' to text me and tell me that he's staying in SLC for at least another year. WOW that is some good news since he already made it crystal clear he planned on freakin' LIVING HERE. And yay so exciting at least another year bklah blah, he says. And then! After I say congrats, and ask if it's cuz his dad's staying, cuz I know damn well he didn't get a job, he says, that he actually doesn't find out for sure until next week!

Freakin' douche nozzle srsly! I bet he was all texting me, with his beard on his face too!