Fishy!

So I have this red beta fish named Torch. He always comes and stares at me when I walk in the room to feed him. Sometimes I talk to him. Yes, I talk to a fish, cuz I lock myself in my office a lot and he's the only one in there. And he stares at me, that would just be rude to not talk to him.

I walk in my office this morning and see him swim towards me in his tank. "HELLO FISHY!" I squeal excitedly. "Who's my fishyyyyyy? Fishy hungry? Morning Fishy!" I rambled on in my high pitched, top of my lungs, 'you're so cute you' voice.

I feed him and tell him goodbye. As I'm walking down the stairs I hear an unfamiliar man's voice talking quietly to someone. There were several guys downstairs that were here working on the basement. I quickly ran out the door with my head lowered. I'm sure they'll be here again within the next couple days. LAME!

GI Jen (finally livin' up to the nickname)

So I'm at this party, and my buddies Jeff and Jessica always has the best parties, mature people, know everyone, love everyone, I can leave my purse wherever, sleep there, not have to worry about a thing.

Well Friday night, Jessica's surprise birthday party, some guys started showed up I'd never seen before. They were older, all in black, and instantly started drinking everyone's booze.

My instincts were warning me about these guys, which is a huge red flag since my instincts tend to generally suck ass (You don't even know!). So I see one of them open the front door a couple hours after they'd all been drinking, another tried to run out, and they start wrestling, and another joins in. They're all shoving and laughing and slamming against the wall and one of them drops a full can of beer on the floor. They stare at it for a minute, and then continue on their way, shoving, laughing, splashing in the newly formed puddle of alcohol sputtering out of the rolling can across the living room floor.

So, being a wuss, I start throwing down napkins and paper towels, working around them, trying not to take an elbow to the face as I diligently clean.

About 20 minutes later I hear my buddy Louis, "Hey you guys seriously knock it off," in the living room. Two of them were wrestling AGAIN. Normally, I am a wuss, I don't dare to yell at people because I'm always afraid, what if they're at the next 5 parties and hate me? How awkward, I'd feel bad, boo fuckin hoo. Well I've been working on my directness and thought, fuck this!

I storm out there, I fling open the front door, grab this guys' bulky arm and said, "I just had to clean up after you guys I'm not doing it again take this fucking shit outside NOW!" They both stopped and turned to look at me. I open the front door wider and point. "You're not doing this shit in here anymore! Get out!"

Upon hearing me freak out, Jeff quickly comes into the room asking what's wrong and if they were fighting. "We're just messin around," said the guy closest to the door.

"Well do it outside," said Jeff.

They walked outside and I slammed the door behind them. "Wow," said Louis, staring at me in surprise, as I am usually the girl who randomly giggles at anything. I smiled at him, beaming. I wasn't even buzzed either! All done sober, fuck YEAH!

"Thanks you're awesome!" said Jeff hugging me.

"No problem, you don't fuck with my friends, or their shit," I said.

But seriously? Oops, excuse me, I mean FUCKING SRSLY? They were like 35! And I'm like all short and small, cleaning up after and around them, and they're still all wrestling? Fuck that shit!

Barbell

So I got my tongue pierced awhile back. I've bit it a few times, it didn't ever hurt until once I munched it pretty hard. So I bought one of those rubber things that go over the metal ball though. Well the only time I bite it is when I'm eating food. Do you think I can eat food with the little rose shaped rubberish covering that goes over the barbell ball? No! Talk about uncomfortable!

So there I was, innocently munching on some Fritos with cottage cheese (don't judge me!) when BAM! I bite down on that sucker with the force of a Darth Vader choke hold, snapping one of the four points of my back molars clean off. Feeling it with my tongue, I first thought it was a filling that had been jarred lose and would have to be reset. But nope, thankfully it was a big ass chunk of my tooth.

$20 Cake, Big Shoes and Breakin' Shit

Day before mother's day.

I knew she loves cakes, so I thought to get her one of those ice cream cakes from Baskin Robins. A normal size cake of this kind, $30!!! So, I bought her the half size cake for $20, it was only about 6" across and 6" tall. I took at home and showed my dad and he agreed, $20, ripoff! BUT I knew she loved it so whatever.

So I go upstairs after hiding the cake, to grab something before I head off to buy the 2nd part of her gift, and my mom's at the top of the stairs. "No!" she whines.

"What?" I say, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Those shoes? With that? I bought you shoes, wear those ones."

"I just spent $20 on a fucking cake for you SHUT UP!" I wanted to say. But instead I said, "Don't worry about my shoes. Who cares?"

"Everyone that says your big clod hopper shoes will care."

As the argument ensues, my dad comes upstairs to watch and laugh and to encourage my mom to shut up.

"Please just change your shoes!" says my mom exasperated.

"Please stop caring," I snap back.

"Yeah seriously who cares," said my dad.

"I'm leaving! Goodbye!" I turn to walk down the stairs with my 'big ass shoes' when I hear my mom at the top of the stairs...

"Da derp dee derp da derp dee derp," in a song song voice with every step I take landing on a 'derp.' I sigh loudly as she laughs and I leave, trying not to slam the door behind me.

I go to the store and find this cute bear statue that's standing on his back feet, his stomach all pudge and his big black eyes all adorable as he holds his hands up to hold a tray. It's the last one, and my mom would love it.

I pick it up to look at it's face when his paws along with the tray slip off and shatter on the floor. Other customers turn to stare at me, I stare at the bear in surprise, feeling their gazes burning into me.

Apparently some ASSHOLE had already broken the fucking bear and just set his paws and tray balancing precariously on the jagged pieces of the top of his head and arms. I picked up would I could to take it to customer service.

After i drive to another store to find the same bear and very carefully put it in my car, I decide to do some retail therapy. For those of you who know me, I do not randomly splurge money on myself, but I was like fuck it. So I go to the store and as I'm trying on some new shorts, I get a text from my mom. I thought the family bbq had started at 4. I forgot the day before she'd changed it to 2 but I didn't change it in my calendar on my phone. It was 2:45. Everyone was wondering where I was. Cursing, I abandon the new shorts and rush to the bbq.

What a fucking day.

Burrito Skirt

Every freakin time I eat, especially if I'm dress up for something, I have to spill on myself. This is why I own barely any white clothing! So of course I'm wearing a new torquise and sky blue mini skirt and drop a chunk of Carne Asada Betos Burrito on it.

I decided to invest in one of those bibs that have a reservoir at the bottom to hold the mountainous piles of food I drop, then each day it can be sent to a third world country and feed a small family.

Bad Timing

So I recently have a review with my boss in which he tells me that we may be hiring someone soon and that we need to represent ourselves as a professional company and behave in such a manner.

The coworker I sit next to and I have been notorious for play fighting and throwing shit at each other. Pranks have always gone on, so I knew it was the horsing around that he was referring to.

I assured him I understood. The following days I cut back on it immensely. Well today, I was messing with my coworker and threw an empty tin can of mints at him. I was hurling this at the door he walked out right as, behind me, my boss walks in through another door saying, "And this is Jennifer...our hellraiser," to one of our biggest vendors we get product from.

...I'd been so good and then...that...fucking...srsly...SIGH

How NOT to talk to women...

So this guy sends me a msg wanting to chat. I check out his profile, there's nothing in his About Me, so I delete the msg. I receive another one a few days later "Or not :(" So I reply as follows...

Your About Me is informationless, you should fill it in to let people know you're serious and willing to let people get to know you so that they know you're willing to get to know them =P. Just a thought.

He replies as follows...

I have everything anyone wants to know right here! Just don't be stuck up and talk to me. Just a thought. :)

FUCKING SERIOUSLY? You tell me not to be stuck up, and you think I'm going to want to talk to you after that? Wow. Just wow.

Denied!

So I have been trying to go on vaca for about 2 months and have been cancelled on or rejected by any friends I've asked. Finally, spur of the moment, me and two friends are able to go. The vacation proceeds as follows.

We arrive in Wendover at approximately 7 PM, check in to the hotel room I paid for after I drove us there for 2 hours, and commence gambling, dining and drinking. Fun times. As we walked down the hall of our hotel, looking for the door to lead to the jacuzzi, we notice how low the lights are hanging.

"I wonder if tall people hit there heads on these," I comment.

My buddy laughed, reached up and tapped one as we walked by. The foot wide curved piece of glass slid from it's holding and shattered on the floor, sounding like a bomb in the still silence of the hall.

I whirl around with surprise.

"Oops...clean up to floor three!" says my buddy with a nervous laugh.

We promptly flee to the elevators.

At 12:30 AM I hear a knock on our hotel door. Me and my buddy were laying down watching TV, my g/f was in the bathroom, so I hopped up and answered the door.
"Do you have a gentlemen staying here?" asked the hotel manager standing next to a police officer. Have to give them props for that, only took them about 2 hours to track us down.

Apparently they assumed it was purposeful, and we were promptly escorted to the manager's room after packing since my buddy now had an '86'.

"86 means banned from the resort," said the manager with a tone of authority.

We tromped through the casino to the manager's office, I in my Hello Kitty pajamas, bright blue, rainbow, smiling big ass Hello Kitty faces, the police officer trailing behind us, spectators gawking.

We were escorted out shortly afterward and left Wendover at 1 am. It was the shortest 2 day one night vacation I've ever been on.