Fries Are Chips...?

So I go to this nearby Mexican restaurant and order a Super Nachos. Starving, I rush back to work as fast as I can to devour my meal. As I open the steamy, beautiful white foam box, it reveals, not nachos, but French Fries, covered in all the things my delicious tortilla chips should've been covered in.

Did they run out of chips and replace it with Fries? Cuz yeah...that's close. I'm sure some big, fat half American, half Mexican, upon opening this would half perhaps been drooling all over himself at the calories, grease and fat grams that were just added to this meal as if Rosie O'Donnell herself were on the plate. However, myself would rather avoid a cholesterol induced heart attack.

I take it back and inform them of their mistake, when the lady says, "You said Carne Asada Fries." I can see how she would get that, as 'Super Nachos' sounds almost EXACTLY like Carna Asada Fries. I mean, they rhyme, same number of syllables...OH WAIT NO THEY DON'T. "I don't really eat fries, so I didn't say that," I informed the confused worker. Thankfully, I was finally given my nachos.

I graciously said, "Thank you very much," with a big, kind smile as the woman handed me my food. She stared at me in reply, and walked away. Pfft whatever bitch, I got ma food!

I Lack Common Sense

It's a hard truth, but I can no longer deny the fact that I do lack common sense. I was amazing in Physics, always the first one done with everything, straight As no problem, I took a college math class in 11th grade, so yes, book smart, yes financially smart, street smart? Not so much. You'd think I would be, with my stubborn independence, but alas I iz not.

My heater downstairs in my basement duplex was pretty dusty, but how to clean between the vents? Why I'll buy one of those air can dusters of course! I get home hours later and notice it's more cold than normal so I check the heat. It should be on, but it wasn't...because I BLEW OUT THE PILOT LIGHT! DUH!

So I wait awhile, and start skimming along the insides of the heater with my lighter because I have no idea where the damn thing lights. I go to the other side, same thing, until I notice a sticker with instructions. Skipping ahead, because I already knew enough about it, why read the whole thing...*cough* anyway, I try to turn the "pilot light" knob and the only thing that happened was the sudden thick smell of gas blasting me in the face.

I have read the instructions though! And now know how it should light, to create fi'a! But if I die via explosion...you will know why...unfortunately I'm tired and should've been in bed an hour ago or more, so, F it. Wish me luck ;D.

I iz strong...?

I've been only riding my bike to the grocery store rather than driving, and got sick of carrying so many groceries on my bike. So I bought a bike basket! It came in the mail Friday when I got home from work, there it was. And I was damned determined to get that on my bike.

My front bike tire is flat, I've tried getting the nuts off before, but I was getting those damned nuts off this time! So I grab my wrench and I put everything I have into it and one loosens!!! I move onto the next one and (see pic).

There I am, pushing with all my might, all my weight and strength baring down on this wrench when SNAP! I almost freakin' eat pavement as the wrench shatters in my hands. "NO!" I was determined...when i say I'm going to do something...I fucking do it!

So I get my bigger wrench and I get that nut off! I text the pic to a couple friends for a laugh, one offers to come help, but I figure, I moved out on my own, I iz an independent woman, I CAN DO THIS! Well I manage to peal the bike tire off with many swear words and finger pinches, and I check it for leaks...

THERE IS NO FUCKING LEAK! I don't know why in the hell it was flat! So like 25 min of work and there's NOTHING WRONG! But I needed those off to put my basket on anyway so oh well. As I'm trying to put the tire back on, and it's not going, I was so tempted to call someone. I was nearly in tears. If I had a b/f, or my dad lived closer, I totally would've, but I thought, since I don't, I should be able to change a damn bike tire by myself!

So I pull it together, myself and the bike, and finally a good hour and a half later I'm proudly riding down the road on my bike when I realize how hard I'm having to push. The brakes were rubbing against the damned front tire. So I just loosened the nuts so it was more centered and prayed to the Bike Gods my tire wouldn't fly off. It was awesome *THICK SARCASM*.

4AM Phone Call

I've been staying up too late. One of my buddies says at work says, "You need to go to bed earlier tonight," so I begrudgingly agree. I just haven't been tired, but it's been catching up to me, so I thought yeah I better.

I made it to bed by midnight. Ha. Anyway, there I am, peacefully sleeping, when my phone rings, Super Mario Brothers theme music blasting me asleep right by my head. I sit up and snatch my phone. It's one of my best friends. So my adrenaline's just WHAM through the roof, I answer it, and of course, the call fails. My house SUCKS when it comes to service. So I wander around, holding my phone up, waiting for bars, and finally call her back, it goes to her voicemail after several rings.

A few texts, phone calls and 30 minutes later, I finally go back to bed. Well she calls me the next morning, the phone was on the nightstand when she woke up, where she left it, I was not the last person she talked to so even if she did accidentally dial out, it would've called 2 others before me.

Apparently she'd slept walked a few times the last couple months, so we think that she sleep phone called me!!! Is that not freakin weird? But it's the only explanation. Needless to say, I will be drinking coffee all day today lol.

Food Fail

I get made fun of a lot because I always spill. Ask ANY of my friends. They will tell you. I'm a clutz. So anyway, I had this tomato that was the size of a softball, all juicy and fresh out of my buddy's garden. I'm chompin away at it, oblivious to the fact that it is spraying seeds and juice all over my kitchen until I finish eating it. I was eating on the counter about 2' away from where this picture was taken.

Notice the gathering of juice on the small ledge as it had finished dripping down the wall. Click to enlarge picture for further embarrassing detail and clarity.

I'm just...not even going to say anything.

All Sorts of Blue

So girls are stupid. Why when we get together, does everything go out the window? I mean, let's face it I don't have a shit ton of common sense anyway, but throw me in with another few girls, or even just one, and forget about it.

Kayla and I decided we'd have a girls night of drinks and wandering Sugarhouse late at night after some Mexican food and a movie. So I make my special, amazing, blue margaritas. The second margarita, I am told to chug. I'm already giggly and buzzed so I obey. We then make a 3rd half margarita before stumbling to the store that's 1.06 miles away. I remember pieces of this walk...I remember laughing a lot. I thought walking 2 miles would sober us up, but no. I throw up twice before bed, and call it a night.

I wake up and bolt out of bed, my brain wondering why, my body saying run. I make it out my bedroom door when I start the heaving, and end up on my hands and knees in the middle of the kitchen throwing up. I was only 15' away from the toilet, and I didn't make it. When I say throwing up, I mean hurling my guts out like the main guy on Team America World Police. My kitchen floor looked like Hiroshima...if someone had added some blue koolade to the atomic bomb. The blast radius was at least 4' in diameter. So this isn't one of those, two paper towels, spray some Lysol, go back to sleep kinda messes.

Kayla slept through the whole thing, I realized, as I returned to bed a good half hour later after the clean up process.

So this morning, I remember my love seat's being delivered today. I rearrange my living room, all the while just wanting to go back to bed, and they arrive only to tell me the back of the love seat is 1" too tall! ONE! to fit down my stairs.

I thank them and dismally close the door behind them. I go back downstairs and grab my purse off the kitchen table, intending to take it into my bedroom, when a long white string stretches with it. I look down, and apparently when I'd set my purse on the floor in the movie theater, there had been a nice big wet wad of gum that was now smashed and smeared all over my kitchen table and purse.

It's days like this when you just shoulda stayed in bed...unless you have to puke of course.

Ice Cream Spade Rant

Introducing the Ice Cream Spade! When a Scoop just isn't enough! I just had to take a picture of it.

I always thought it was interesting how our utensils are shaped. I mean look at the Asians. They use sticks. What do they look like? Sticks! Maybe it's not "You are what you eat" but "You are what you eat with."

American's on the other hand, we have miniaturized pitch forks and swords to stab and slice big chunks out of our food, and don't forget the small shovels so that we can scoop up as much as we possibly can! But that's just not enough, let's ad a SPADE to our arsenal of cutlery.

Srsly, who thought of this? Some fat ass that thought, "This ice cream scoop is just so slow and small I want more and I want it NOW!"

Oops!

I purposely didn't tell anyone about my cute little spherical lamp, that had white Japanese flowers painted on the sides, that as I was trying to lift onto my table last night I dropped and broke. I mean it's about half the size of a basketball, it's not heavy at all, I'm just retarded...if you have read any past posts you will know this.

But my g/f came over last night and saw it. Later on as I was trying to hang a mirror, I of course pick the one spot there's a stud in the wall to try to screw in my sheetrock screws. They are big screws you twist into the sheetrock and then twist the actual screw inside of it. Well since it hit a stud halfway through, there was left a dime sized hole in the wall.

At dinner she announces these things to several of my friends as I'm staring at her wide eyed. "Why are you telling ppl these things?" I laughed, blushing as everyone laughed at my retardedness.

A few minutes go by, and I had been eyeing this piece of broccoli on my other g/fs plate. It had been neglected for awhile, so I finally lifted my hand up to point at it and got as far as, "Are you going to eat th-" when I accidentally punched my glass of water, knocking it over across the table. It pooled out everywhere and cascaded over the ledge of the table into my buddy Casey's lap. I'd barely even drank out of it.

After the laughter and frantic cleaning settled down, it was decided I shouldn't be allowed near people, food or glass.

Strip Tease

I own that 5 disc Carmen Electra strip tease work out DVD, and love it! Especially the actual work out disc, to give you the dancer type body, is an amazing hour workout, which is why I bought it.

I'm moving soon, and one of my best friends sits next to me at work. As I'm working I say to her, "I should get a stripper pole at my new place." I want one because that would give your body even more of a workout, to have to do the lifts and stuffs, which I have told her before.

"Yeah?" she asks.

"Yeah, then I can improve my strip tease! Become a professional!" I say jokingly. I glance over to smile at her, and my boss is standing less than two feet away from her, filing something in the file cabinet. I quickly look away, bright red, and say nothing.

Needless to say I couldn't even look at him the rest of the day without blushing.

Also needless to say, I am retarded.

Coconut Mouthwash

My g/f told me about this awesome cure all called Oil-Pulling that has been 'proven' to pull out all these toxins from your body and supposedly cure chronic illnesses. She said she'd send me the link after we got back from a health food store searching for Unrefined oil. The only kind I could find was Coconut.

Unrefined oil is the thick, buttery, non liquidy type of oil. It's more like a cream. So this morning I get up and I open the jar of Unrefined coconut oil and scrape a chunk out as it is rather thick. I was told to use it as mouth wash for 15-20 minutes in the morning, first thing, and the coconut also helps whiten teeth so to make sure to pull it through my teeth. I place the blob in my mouth and cringe at the overwhelming taste of coconut. I quickly concentrate on my make up as I pull the oil between my teeth, moving it all around my mouth, leaving no crevice untouched, or should I say, unslimed by the coconut.

After a nauseating 10 minutes I couldn't handle it anymore and spit it out. I vigorously brushed my teeth, ate, and could still taste it. I get to work, open my e-mail and it was supposed to be REFINED OIL! On top of that, only one doctor has even done studies on it! So not only did I use the wrong one, it probably did nothing but add a nice white sheen to my teeth and permeate my saliva glands with the permanent taste of coconut slime.

Awesome.

Bike Wreck

I decided to take the horse trail next to Jordan River today on my bike ride. I came across a sign after a long while that said "Horse Trail Ends," but the trail continued on. It was much narrower after this sign, about 2' wide, an easy path for my bike tires. I continued along, my iPod blaring, the cloudy sky making the weather perfect, and was immensely enjoying the solitude. No one was on this trail!

I promptly realized why.

As the trail pitched forward, pipes jutting out of the loose dirt, I tried to slam on my brakes. The gravel was too loose, my front tire slid then stuck against a pipe as my back tire skidded along, careening my bike to one side, dumping me off on my knee (above) and elbow.

I decided to call it a day as I'd already been riding for a good half hour and still needed to get back. The light sprinkle that began to fall shortly after my bike wreck turned into a raging lightning and thunderstorm in which I momentarily tried to take shelter under a tree, but realized it was only worsening and continued on.

Twenty minutes later I barreled through the massive puddle that used to be a parking lot and jumped off my bike behind my car. As I tried to lift it into the trunk, my foot slipped and I barely caught myself. My bike made it half way, and I couldn't lift and scoot it further back, it was too slick and my shoes didn't have enough traction. My clothes were soaked to my skin and I decided the best way to lift it in was to kneel on my bumper to get the leverage I needed to scoot it back further. My shorts couldn't get any wetter anyway, why not kneel in it as well.

Kneeling on my bumper, bracing myself to push, I heaved forward and my knee slipped out from under me. In an attempt to save myself, I grabbed onto my bike, which slid backward, my hand slipped off and I landed on my ass behind my car.

Yup...just an average day in the life of the accident prone.

Fishy!

So I have this red beta fish named Torch. He always comes and stares at me when I walk in the room to feed him. Sometimes I talk to him. Yes, I talk to a fish, cuz I lock myself in my office a lot and he's the only one in there. And he stares at me, that would just be rude to not talk to him.

I walk in my office this morning and see him swim towards me in his tank. "HELLO FISHY!" I squeal excitedly. "Who's my fishyyyyyy? Fishy hungry? Morning Fishy!" I rambled on in my high pitched, top of my lungs, 'you're so cute you' voice.

I feed him and tell him goodbye. As I'm walking down the stairs I hear an unfamiliar man's voice talking quietly to someone. There were several guys downstairs that were here working on the basement. I quickly ran out the door with my head lowered. I'm sure they'll be here again within the next couple days. LAME!

GI Jen (finally livin' up to the nickname)

So I'm at this party, and my buddies Jeff and Jessica always has the best parties, mature people, know everyone, love everyone, I can leave my purse wherever, sleep there, not have to worry about a thing.

Well Friday night, Jessica's surprise birthday party, some guys started showed up I'd never seen before. They were older, all in black, and instantly started drinking everyone's booze.

My instincts were warning me about these guys, which is a huge red flag since my instincts tend to generally suck ass (You don't even know!). So I see one of them open the front door a couple hours after they'd all been drinking, another tried to run out, and they start wrestling, and another joins in. They're all shoving and laughing and slamming against the wall and one of them drops a full can of beer on the floor. They stare at it for a minute, and then continue on their way, shoving, laughing, splashing in the newly formed puddle of alcohol sputtering out of the rolling can across the living room floor.

So, being a wuss, I start throwing down napkins and paper towels, working around them, trying not to take an elbow to the face as I diligently clean.

About 20 minutes later I hear my buddy Louis, "Hey you guys seriously knock it off," in the living room. Two of them were wrestling AGAIN. Normally, I am a wuss, I don't dare to yell at people because I'm always afraid, what if they're at the next 5 parties and hate me? How awkward, I'd feel bad, boo fuckin hoo. Well I've been working on my directness and thought, fuck this!

I storm out there, I fling open the front door, grab this guys' bulky arm and said, "I just had to clean up after you guys I'm not doing it again take this fucking shit outside NOW!" They both stopped and turned to look at me. I open the front door wider and point. "You're not doing this shit in here anymore! Get out!"

Upon hearing me freak out, Jeff quickly comes into the room asking what's wrong and if they were fighting. "We're just messin around," said the guy closest to the door.

"Well do it outside," said Jeff.

They walked outside and I slammed the door behind them. "Wow," said Louis, staring at me in surprise, as I am usually the girl who randomly giggles at anything. I smiled at him, beaming. I wasn't even buzzed either! All done sober, fuck YEAH!

"Thanks you're awesome!" said Jeff hugging me.

"No problem, you don't fuck with my friends, or their shit," I said.

But seriously? Oops, excuse me, I mean FUCKING SRSLY? They were like 35! And I'm like all short and small, cleaning up after and around them, and they're still all wrestling? Fuck that shit!

Barbell

So I got my tongue pierced awhile back. I've bit it a few times, it didn't ever hurt until once I munched it pretty hard. So I bought one of those rubber things that go over the metal ball though. Well the only time I bite it is when I'm eating food. Do you think I can eat food with the little rose shaped rubberish covering that goes over the barbell ball? No! Talk about uncomfortable!

So there I was, innocently munching on some Fritos with cottage cheese (don't judge me!) when BAM! I bite down on that sucker with the force of a Darth Vader choke hold, snapping one of the four points of my back molars clean off. Feeling it with my tongue, I first thought it was a filling that had been jarred lose and would have to be reset. But nope, thankfully it was a big ass chunk of my tooth.

$20 Cake, Big Shoes and Breakin' Shit

Day before mother's day.

I knew she loves cakes, so I thought to get her one of those ice cream cakes from Baskin Robins. A normal size cake of this kind, $30!!! So, I bought her the half size cake for $20, it was only about 6" across and 6" tall. I took at home and showed my dad and he agreed, $20, ripoff! BUT I knew she loved it so whatever.

So I go upstairs after hiding the cake, to grab something before I head off to buy the 2nd part of her gift, and my mom's at the top of the stairs. "No!" she whines.

"What?" I say, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Those shoes? With that? I bought you shoes, wear those ones."

"I just spent $20 on a fucking cake for you SHUT UP!" I wanted to say. But instead I said, "Don't worry about my shoes. Who cares?"

"Everyone that says your big clod hopper shoes will care."

As the argument ensues, my dad comes upstairs to watch and laugh and to encourage my mom to shut up.

"Please just change your shoes!" says my mom exasperated.

"Please stop caring," I snap back.

"Yeah seriously who cares," said my dad.

"I'm leaving! Goodbye!" I turn to walk down the stairs with my 'big ass shoes' when I hear my mom at the top of the stairs...

"Da derp dee derp da derp dee derp," in a song song voice with every step I take landing on a 'derp.' I sigh loudly as she laughs and I leave, trying not to slam the door behind me.

I go to the store and find this cute bear statue that's standing on his back feet, his stomach all pudge and his big black eyes all adorable as he holds his hands up to hold a tray. It's the last one, and my mom would love it.

I pick it up to look at it's face when his paws along with the tray slip off and shatter on the floor. Other customers turn to stare at me, I stare at the bear in surprise, feeling their gazes burning into me.

Apparently some ASSHOLE had already broken the fucking bear and just set his paws and tray balancing precariously on the jagged pieces of the top of his head and arms. I picked up would I could to take it to customer service.

After i drive to another store to find the same bear and very carefully put it in my car, I decide to do some retail therapy. For those of you who know me, I do not randomly splurge money on myself, but I was like fuck it. So I go to the store and as I'm trying on some new shorts, I get a text from my mom. I thought the family bbq had started at 4. I forgot the day before she'd changed it to 2 but I didn't change it in my calendar on my phone. It was 2:45. Everyone was wondering where I was. Cursing, I abandon the new shorts and rush to the bbq.

What a fucking day.

Burrito Skirt

Every freakin time I eat, especially if I'm dress up for something, I have to spill on myself. This is why I own barely any white clothing! So of course I'm wearing a new torquise and sky blue mini skirt and drop a chunk of Carne Asada Betos Burrito on it.

I decided to invest in one of those bibs that have a reservoir at the bottom to hold the mountainous piles of food I drop, then each day it can be sent to a third world country and feed a small family.

Bad Timing

So I recently have a review with my boss in which he tells me that we may be hiring someone soon and that we need to represent ourselves as a professional company and behave in such a manner.

The coworker I sit next to and I have been notorious for play fighting and throwing shit at each other. Pranks have always gone on, so I knew it was the horsing around that he was referring to.

I assured him I understood. The following days I cut back on it immensely. Well today, I was messing with my coworker and threw an empty tin can of mints at him. I was hurling this at the door he walked out right as, behind me, my boss walks in through another door saying, "And this is Jennifer...our hellraiser," to one of our biggest vendors we get product from.

...I'd been so good and then...that...fucking...srsly...SIGH

How NOT to talk to women...

So this guy sends me a msg wanting to chat. I check out his profile, there's nothing in his About Me, so I delete the msg. I receive another one a few days later "Or not :(" So I reply as follows...

Your About Me is informationless, you should fill it in to let people know you're serious and willing to let people get to know you so that they know you're willing to get to know them =P. Just a thought.

He replies as follows...

I have everything anyone wants to know right here! Just don't be stuck up and talk to me. Just a thought. :)

FUCKING SERIOUSLY? You tell me not to be stuck up, and you think I'm going to want to talk to you after that? Wow. Just wow.

Denied!

So I have been trying to go on vaca for about 2 months and have been cancelled on or rejected by any friends I've asked. Finally, spur of the moment, me and two friends are able to go. The vacation proceeds as follows.

We arrive in Wendover at approximately 7 PM, check in to the hotel room I paid for after I drove us there for 2 hours, and commence gambling, dining and drinking. Fun times. As we walked down the hall of our hotel, looking for the door to lead to the jacuzzi, we notice how low the lights are hanging.

"I wonder if tall people hit there heads on these," I comment.

My buddy laughed, reached up and tapped one as we walked by. The foot wide curved piece of glass slid from it's holding and shattered on the floor, sounding like a bomb in the still silence of the hall.

I whirl around with surprise.

"Oops...clean up to floor three!" says my buddy with a nervous laugh.

We promptly flee to the elevators.

At 12:30 AM I hear a knock on our hotel door. Me and my buddy were laying down watching TV, my g/f was in the bathroom, so I hopped up and answered the door.
"Do you have a gentlemen staying here?" asked the hotel manager standing next to a police officer. Have to give them props for that, only took them about 2 hours to track us down.

Apparently they assumed it was purposeful, and we were promptly escorted to the manager's room after packing since my buddy now had an '86'.

"86 means banned from the resort," said the manager with a tone of authority.

We tromped through the casino to the manager's office, I in my Hello Kitty pajamas, bright blue, rainbow, smiling big ass Hello Kitty faces, the police officer trailing behind us, spectators gawking.

We were escorted out shortly afterward and left Wendover at 1 am. It was the shortest 2 day one night vacation I've ever been on.