Oops!

I purposely didn't tell anyone about my cute little spherical lamp, that had white Japanese flowers painted on the sides, that as I was trying to lift onto my table last night I dropped and broke. I mean it's about half the size of a basketball, it's not heavy at all, I'm just retarded...if you have read any past posts you will know this.

But my g/f came over last night and saw it. Later on as I was trying to hang a mirror, I of course pick the one spot there's a stud in the wall to try to screw in my sheetrock screws. They are big screws you twist into the sheetrock and then twist the actual screw inside of it. Well since it hit a stud halfway through, there was left a dime sized hole in the wall.

At dinner she announces these things to several of my friends as I'm staring at her wide eyed. "Why are you telling ppl these things?" I laughed, blushing as everyone laughed at my retardedness.

A few minutes go by, and I had been eyeing this piece of broccoli on my other g/fs plate. It had been neglected for awhile, so I finally lifted my hand up to point at it and got as far as, "Are you going to eat th-" when I accidentally punched my glass of water, knocking it over across the table. It pooled out everywhere and cascaded over the ledge of the table into my buddy Casey's lap. I'd barely even drank out of it.

After the laughter and frantic cleaning settled down, it was decided I shouldn't be allowed near people, food or glass.

Strip Tease

I own that 5 disc Carmen Electra strip tease work out DVD, and love it! Especially the actual work out disc, to give you the dancer type body, is an amazing hour workout, which is why I bought it.

I'm moving soon, and one of my best friends sits next to me at work. As I'm working I say to her, "I should get a stripper pole at my new place." I want one because that would give your body even more of a workout, to have to do the lifts and stuffs, which I have told her before.

"Yeah?" she asks.

"Yeah, then I can improve my strip tease! Become a professional!" I say jokingly. I glance over to smile at her, and my boss is standing less than two feet away from her, filing something in the file cabinet. I quickly look away, bright red, and say nothing.

Needless to say I couldn't even look at him the rest of the day without blushing.

Also needless to say, I am retarded.

Coconut Mouthwash

My g/f told me about this awesome cure all called Oil-Pulling that has been 'proven' to pull out all these toxins from your body and supposedly cure chronic illnesses. She said she'd send me the link after we got back from a health food store searching for Unrefined oil. The only kind I could find was Coconut.

Unrefined oil is the thick, buttery, non liquidy type of oil. It's more like a cream. So this morning I get up and I open the jar of Unrefined coconut oil and scrape a chunk out as it is rather thick. I was told to use it as mouth wash for 15-20 minutes in the morning, first thing, and the coconut also helps whiten teeth so to make sure to pull it through my teeth. I place the blob in my mouth and cringe at the overwhelming taste of coconut. I quickly concentrate on my make up as I pull the oil between my teeth, moving it all around my mouth, leaving no crevice untouched, or should I say, unslimed by the coconut.

After a nauseating 10 minutes I couldn't handle it anymore and spit it out. I vigorously brushed my teeth, ate, and could still taste it. I get to work, open my e-mail and it was supposed to be REFINED OIL! On top of that, only one doctor has even done studies on it! So not only did I use the wrong one, it probably did nothing but add a nice white sheen to my teeth and permeate my saliva glands with the permanent taste of coconut slime.

Awesome.

Bike Wreck

I decided to take the horse trail next to Jordan River today on my bike ride. I came across a sign after a long while that said "Horse Trail Ends," but the trail continued on. It was much narrower after this sign, about 2' wide, an easy path for my bike tires. I continued along, my iPod blaring, the cloudy sky making the weather perfect, and was immensely enjoying the solitude. No one was on this trail!

I promptly realized why.

As the trail pitched forward, pipes jutting out of the loose dirt, I tried to slam on my brakes. The gravel was too loose, my front tire slid then stuck against a pipe as my back tire skidded along, careening my bike to one side, dumping me off on my knee (above) and elbow.

I decided to call it a day as I'd already been riding for a good half hour and still needed to get back. The light sprinkle that began to fall shortly after my bike wreck turned into a raging lightning and thunderstorm in which I momentarily tried to take shelter under a tree, but realized it was only worsening and continued on.

Twenty minutes later I barreled through the massive puddle that used to be a parking lot and jumped off my bike behind my car. As I tried to lift it into the trunk, my foot slipped and I barely caught myself. My bike made it half way, and I couldn't lift and scoot it further back, it was too slick and my shoes didn't have enough traction. My clothes were soaked to my skin and I decided the best way to lift it in was to kneel on my bumper to get the leverage I needed to scoot it back further. My shorts couldn't get any wetter anyway, why not kneel in it as well.

Kneeling on my bumper, bracing myself to push, I heaved forward and my knee slipped out from under me. In an attempt to save myself, I grabbed onto my bike, which slid backward, my hand slipped off and I landed on my ass behind my car.

Yup...just an average day in the life of the accident prone.